School Books and Banshees

Louise in Easons rang me today to tell me that the kids school books were ready for collection. I don't know why, but the whole family trooped into the car where we waited a further ten minutes as my son put on his trainers, brushed his teeth, changed his trainers for Heeleys, said goodbye to the dog, and eventually deigned to join us. It got worse, much worse.

We were no sooner out of the car when my husband sauntered off with a cheery wave and a 'will catch up with you in a while'. So now I am standing, shocked and stunned, on the pavement outside Easons with three kids who look like they are about to bolt for freedom at any second, an extensive shopping list for Tesco, bills to be paid in the bank, all the schoolbooks to be collected and all I can see is the back of my husband's head as he rounds the corner with the car keys in his pocket.

After several threats of what misfortune will befall them if they wander off, I make a bee line for Easons and think I am lucky because there is only one other person in front of me. WRONG. I have no idea how many children that woman had but twenty minutes later, as I was still standing in the sodding queue, I would gladly have strangled each one of them. Eventually, she departed with mountains of books and her wallet lighter to the tune of six hundred euro. As I approached the counter an almighty piercing scream filled the shop. It took me a full ten seconds to realise it was my youngest daughter who had run over to her sister, tripped on new (very pretty) shoes and fallen headlong, and at top speed, into a shelf. The bridge of her nose was bleeding and swollen, her left knee was very scratched and she couldn't bend her left wrist as it has walloped another part of the shelving. And she is now screaming like a banshee because she sees blood, and the child is dressed head to toe in white just to make it even worse.

I then do what any self respecting mother in the same situation would do. I pick her, kiss her, hug her, all the while making my way back to the top of the queue again. So now I have a very tall six year old on my hip (who is still doing banshee impressions, dripping blood all over the both of us), my other two kids are God knows where, and I am still trying to carry on a conversation about the bloody school books while the queue behind me is now in danger of spilling onto the pavement it is so long. Eventually I rounded up the troops and we exited the shop with three heavy bags, a very light purse, a limping child, and a very pissed off mummy.

At that moment I spot my husband across the road reading car magazines in a shop. We struggle across the road and one look gave him all the information he needed. He went to the car with the books and the kids while I dashed to Tesco to get something for dinner. Calm was restored and soon afterwards my husband went to work, my son to a friends house and the banshee impersonator was looking at tv on the couch while I sorted out the books.

It was then that I realised we were four books short, I hadn't bought clear plastic covers to cover them all, and I would have to go down to the shop tomorrow and go through all that queueing again. At that exact moment my period arrived.

Next year I am going to get school books in June, cover them in July, and even better still order them on-line and have them delivered to the door. It is just not worth it.